... Logan ...
Part 10
I was inspired by the fiction entitled "One Going on Eternity and Counting" by leonidaslion. If you want to read it - be warned - it's sexual in nature and involves subject matter that might be distasteful to some readers. That being said - I think it's brilliant and very moving.. It was the concept of "counting" that I have borrowed for this piece of my story. I thought it was a brilliant way of demonstrating the passage of time and how people travel the path of an impossible decision.
And hey - if you do read it - and you feel inclined to judge the content - come back and I'll argue with you - I fought for "Brokeback Mountain" to be part of bookclub. Brilliant story - and it drives me BATTY when people say it's poorly written because they don't want to read the honesty of it.
/END rant and warning and unintentional preaching
The passage of time is an unusual thing. Logan finds himself marking time by making lists. Fifteen really crappy roadside motels (sixteen if you count the one they refused to stay at because there were weird stains on the sheets), twelve quaint little diners complete with entertaining waitresses, five grocery stores, three states (they never take a direct route and Logan won't drive all day), somewhere around twenty-two gas stations (Logan decided after 3 that counting them would be boring), four lakes, 9 abandoned buildings explored, one farmer's market and five times Logan has considered admitting he's hearing a voice in his head.
The First time
Two days driving has brought them into the middle of nowhere. They pass a ranch every now and then; there are sparse signs of life - maybe a fence that's fallen into disrepair, once a fallen down Church. It's the Church that prompts their second stop of the day. In the late afternoon sun the building looks strangely inviting even though it's obviously been abandoned for years. Hostile sun has peeled away most of the paint from the wooden walls, the stairs have gaping holes in them filled up with sand and dirt. The edges of the foundation are being reclaimed by sagebrush. The church is being absorbed.
When Micah sees the church he asks if they can pull over. He has a curiosity about abandoned buildings. In their short time together Logan has already noticed.
Logan hops up to sit on one of the slowly eroding walls on the front porch of the Church and he watches Micah poking around in an old shed a few feet away. He's really thankful for Micah's company. The older man has grounded him a little in the past few days. Even with Micah's crazy antics he still has peaceful moments. It helps Logan to think of other things.
Micah ran up the stairs to the church jumping over the broken planks. "I'm goin' in."
Hopping down off the wall Logan followed Micah into the musty building. "Crazy," he murmured, feeling as though he should whisper. There were dusty sunbeams criss-crossing the room and Logan watched as Micah passed through the light, "anything interesting?"
Micah pushed some dirt around with the toe of his boot. "Nah...it's been empty for ages." He wandered over to one of the pews and sat down. "Do you ever wonder where everyone goes?"
Looking over Logan asked, "Who?"
"You know," Micah kept his voice soft," the people who used abandoned buildings. I wonder what happens. I mean, people build a church together then they're all gone one day. It's just kind of bizarre." He ran a hand through his hair and looked around.
Logan jumped. "What did you say?"
Rolling his eyes Micah huffed with mock frustration. "Which part? I said a bunch!!"
Logan already knew the words he heard hadn't come from Micah. He really was falling apart. There were only so many reasons that someone would hear voices and none of them were good.
"Damn it." Logan stormed out of the church with a bewildered Micah trailing behind him.
Micah stopped at the top of the stairs and watched Logan pace around the church yard. "What's up Logan? You didn't like the decor?" He folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the Church wall.
"I just ..." Logan stopped pacing long enough to glance at his new friend. Maybe he would feel better if he just talked about it. There had to be a rational explanation. Maybe it wasn't even really a voice. Maybe it was his thought? Great. Yeah, that would make sense to Micah. "I'm just tired man." He wandered back to the truck.
Puzzled, Micah shook his head and went back inside the Church.
Logan almost went back to the Church to try and explain. He thought better of it.
The Second time
There had been some bad motels, the worst of which had pink walls covered in handprints. Creepy, large handprints all over the wall in dark grey. That was the night Logan decided to tell Micah they should share a room. Logan's money wouldn't last forever and he didn't figure Micah had a ton either.
Micah agrees quickly to the suggestion of becoming roommates. Logan had half expected him to say no. It wasn't like he'd been acting normal since they met. He decided to write Micah's acceptance off to his easy going nature rather than anything else. It was there though - that seed of doubt. It was so convenient to find someone like Micah.
It was easy to share a room with Micah. Neither man was burdened with a wealth of possessions. All they needed to keep the peace were two queen size beds, a coffee pot and a TV they could both see from their beds. There were no arguments except for the time Micah moved the keys to the truck and they couldn't find them in the morning. Someone - it wasn't clear who, hence the disagreement - had knocked them down behind the fridge. Micah found them so Logan called him a dick, Micah huffed and threw the keys at Logan too hard and they walked out. They ate breakfast in near silence and then they were fine.
That was at breakfast and for the second time Logan really wanted to talk about the words. He was too pissed off at Micah to say anything.
The Third Time
The voice had startled Logan. He'd been driving down a long, poker straight stretch of back road thinking about home. His thoughts had drifted and he began to wonder about the future. How long should he hide? Was there really someone after him? Would he ever find his brother? And that's when he heard the words - well - it was more like feeling words - somehow they were seeping out of his spine and twining their way up to his head. It didn't feel like an invasion anymore, but still he still found it disconcerting. Three times now he'd thought about trying to explain these words to Micah and three times he had decided against it. His side of the cab felt very lonely sometimes.
The Fourth time
Logan can barely fight off exhaustion and keep his eyes open so he's watching the TV with one eye closed and the blankets pulled up to his chest. He blinks forcefully trying to convince his brain that he's awake.
The channels are flicking past because Micah can't find anything he wants to watch. It's like a slow strobe light in the dark motel room. "What do you think happens when we die?" Logan asks quietly.
By now, Micah is accustomed to Logan's bizarre questions. "You mean like physically? Your heart stops, you shit yourself kind of thing?"
"Dude! I'm serious; do we have a soul or something? Do you think that part of us continues in a way?"
After flicking off the TV Micah slides down under the covers tucking his hands under his head. "So," he starts, "you mean the whole mystical religious kind of thing. Souls and spirits?"
"Yeah," Logan gives up and closes both eyes. "Do you think we just want to believe in ... something ... to give ourselves hope?"
"Hell, I don't know." Micah is quiet for a while. "I think, sometimes, that there's more to us than we can see or measure. You know? Like when they say we only use 10% of our brains." He fluffs up his pillows before stuffing his hands back under his head. "Come to think of it - that doesn't make any sense. If they don't know how much we can do with our brains then how do they know what 10% of that is? You can't percentage a figure you don't know."
Logan snorts softly. "Is percentage a verb?"
Micah groans and rolls over, facing away from Logan. "You know what I mean!!" He clears his throat. "It just seems to me that there must be something more to us than flesh and blood."
"I think we have a spirit or something," Logan offers up into the dark room. Right then, he almost tells Micah about the words in his head but he's exhausted and thinks maybe it can wait until the morning.
The Fifth time
They have burgers; Logan's with cheese, fries and cokes from a drive through and have claimed a cool spot to sit under a tree a short hike from the highway.
Logan leans back against the sun warmed bark inhaling the woody scent that surrounded him. "Micah? Have you decided where you're going?" Micah finishes a mouthful of burger. "Nah," he answers running a napkin over his mouth, "I guess I'll keep going south if that's where you're headed. Where are you going anyway?"
Logan bites on his bottom lip. "South."
"How far south?"
"Just south." He pulls part of the wrapper off his burger and takes a bite.
Micah sneezes, scratches his nose and shakes his head, "So, do you mind if I stick with you for a while? I mean, I've got no plans and it kind of sucks to travel alone."
In the middle of Micah's words it comes
He almost asks Micah if he's telling the truth. What the hell is he supposed to do with 'deception'? That's about as far from helpful as anything could be. People are deceptive about things all the time, how many times are we actually fine when we tell people we are? Micah has been easy to get along with, perhaps a little too flexible at times, nearly always deferring to Logan's decisions. Maybe he's just that kind of person and doesn't like to cause any sort of conflict.
Micah can be a little too personal sometimes. No, that's wrong. Micah just doesn't seem to have personal space. It's as though his body is fluid. He will touch Logan and then it's over and Logan wonders if it happened at all - like Logan has flowed over him. Micah never seems to be aware that he might be sitting too close; that a question might be too personal or that there might be times when Logan needs to be alone.
But then, some people are just open. Logan doesn't mind the company. The personal space things he's grown used to and having Micah around all the time means that he hasn't had to go through the contents of the backpack yet. It's a good thing his clothes were packed on top. He's deceiving Micah in a way. He's been hiding the fact that he's hearing a freaking voice in his head. That's deception at its finest.
Logan tosses his burger down on the crumpled up take-away bag between them and draws his knees up. "Micah. I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to freak out at me."
Micah stops chewing and looks thoughtful for a second. "Does this involve your sex with animals or anything like that?"
Logan looks down and digs his fingernails into his palms to still the tremor that's starting in his hands. "I'm serious."
"I'm sorry," Micah's voice softens as he hears the emotion in Logan's voice. "Ok- I'll just listen."
"I sometimes hear a voice in my head." Logan spits the words out like they burn, he's afraid if he waits too long he'll change his mind. "It started after my Dad died and I don't know what it is but it tells me things." He could feel his arms started to tremble, and he suddenly felt cold. "It's like something in me not something that someone is saying. I don't know how to describe it." He takes a deep breath and waits.
"Ok." Micah's voice is very soft, almost inaudible over the noises of the park.
"Ok?"
"Well, ok." Micah looks down at the burger sitting untouched in his hands. "I mean Logan, you gotta know I've wondered what's going on with you but this is not really what I expected. I know you're not nuts or something - I've spent quite a bit of time with you. Maybe it's a stress thing? You know pressure - you've been through a really crazy time."
"It's not like that." Logan interrupts feeling the shaking spread to his whole body. He's so cold. "I'm never ready for it - it's not something I'm thinking and it's things I don't know at all. Like," he struggles to think of something that will make it clear, "south."
"South?"
"I heard south," Logan continues. "I mean, I felt, like I had to go south and I have no idea why except someone is looking for me." He can hear the quiver is his own voice and stops talking.
"So - ok - we'll figure it out Logan." Micah seems to realize he's still holding food - and takes a bite.
"That's it?" Logan can feel himself calming down.
Micah makes a strange noise almost choking, holds up his finger, chews and swallows then says "Yeah. I mean, you seem like an ok guy. You've been through some shit, we all have. We'll figure it out. And - what's so bad about south?" He flashes one of his best smiles at Logan.
And just like that it's done. It shouldn't have gone that well - Logan knows in his gut this should have been a deal breaker but he is desperate for something to go right, something that will make him feel less alone.
So the fifth time isn't the time he almost tells Micah.
story and words and photos Copyright Charlotte Kinzie 2009.
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